Each summer, I find myself going through a lot of personal growth. It’s one of the few moments that I’m not juggling family life and work life. Sometimes, this personal growth happens while we’re on vacation. Most often, it happens during the quiet moments at home and driving around town.
This summer, I’m learning one of the hardest lessons. Not to carry someone else’s hurt. Naturally, I’m a very sensitive person with an open ear and an open heart.
It leaves me vulnerable and being easily hurt by others. As I try to stand up for myself and my family, I run into more conflicts despite how carefully I choose my battles. Before this summer, I took the hurtful words to heart. I left feeling wounded. These wounds became too heavy. My heart felt heavy.
After a lot of talking with my Hubster and listening to the universe, I have learned that I can’t have a heavy heart. I can’t let someone else’s wounds become mine. It gets in the way of enjoying all of the small moments. It distracts me from being present. It takes away the happiness I feel when laughing with my Hubster or cuddling with my Monkey.
So, I’m learning to let go of the hurt and choose joy. It’s not easy. But each day, I feel more and more like myself again. I hope I can help my girls through this lesson when it’s their time to learn it.
This past weekend, I was thankful for…
the best morning snuggles
stopping by the cheese shop and checking out its new cafe side
getting front parking at the zoo
seeing the lionesses and gorilla up close
a delicious lunch at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants
finding a new park and watching Monkey love it
eating delicious smoked chicken that my Hubster made.
I went to a different lab to get my blood drawn for a lab test for baby girl. Here’s the conversation that I had with the lab tech:
Lab Tech: So, do you know what you’re having?
Me: Yes, a girl. Another girl.
Lab Tech: I’m a dad with two girls too!
Me: Really? How is it? My husband is slightly terrified still.
Lab Tech: Oh no. He’ll have fun. Tell him not to worry. I couldn’t imagine my life without my first one. Then, I had my second one. I was totally worried. How was I going to share my love?
Me: That’s exactly we’re at.
Lab Tech: Don’t worry…It’ll all play out just right.
How perfect was that? Whether or not he knows it, our conversation was the Godwink that I needed. I hardly ever go to that lab because it’s out of the way. Today, I had some other errands to run near it and something inside of me told me that I should stop by. I’m glad that I listened to the universe.
Lately, our Monkey will whisper to us when we whisper to her. I love her whispers. Too cute!
"Tears are words that need to be written." - Paulo Coelho
Lately, there have been many tears. There should have been many more, but I was too scared to let them go. What if I didn’t stop crying? Here are the words to go with those tears. Maybe, if I let the words flow then my heart won’t feel so heavy from the hidden tears.
My heart and my mind have been overwhelmed by the amount of change that is going to happen. I am a creature of habit. I find comfort in the known, in the predictable, in consistency. So when something unexpected happens, at least, I know which direction my next step should be.
The arrival of baby girl will be monumental for our family. It will be as monumental as Monkey’s arrival but in different ways. Sure, we know what things we need and things we don’t need. Other than how to physically prepare our home for her arrival, there are so many other unknowns. What will she look like? Will she be able to be patient with herself when she first arrives? Will she like us?
Then, there is Monkey’s reaction to baby girl’s arrival. Right now, she is really excited. She is such a caring and kind kiddo. I hope that she is able to be just as caring and kind towards her sister. I think she’ll be an amazing big sister. Of course, she’ll get tired of sharing our time and our affection with someone else. Of course, she’ll feel frustrated at times. I hope she always falls back on the idea that she is loved. She is loved more than she’ll ever really know. Even when we’re busy, that love remains constant.
When everyone asks how close the girls will be, they give us the you’re-crazy-look immediately. It’s hard to be strong and smile through this. We know that we don’t know how hard or how exhausting it will be. The introvert in me just wants to hide. My Hubster always proudly says, “We’ll figure it out when we get there.” I love that he’s so honest and realistic.
Then, there’s how much solo time baby girl and I will have. I love when Monkey and my Hubster are home. I love being a family. When it’s just me with the kiddos, I feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. My Hubster will have less time at home this round. It’s the strange juggling act of wanting to go out for fresh air and battle the cabin fever; on the other hand, being so exhausted that I won’t manage to stay out for long. Also, the baby gawking always makes antsy.
When I return to work, I’ll have to find my footing. Balancing being a mom, a wife, and a teacher. Feeling like a stranger in my own classroom for a few weeks. Adjusting to my best friend at work being officially gone. Learning all of the intricacies of our schedule and the kiddos’ personalities.
The perfectionist/overanalyzer side of me is agonizing over all of these changes and all of the possible outcomes. I have to keep remembering to breathe and trust the universe.